Stages in Life

There's many stages in life that every human being will tend to go thru. As an infant to toddler, toddler to kids, kids to teenagers and teenagers to adults. This is a definite stages that every one will face and experience. I would say that, the experience of every human being will be different as we grow up in different environment and different up bringing my different families believes. When I was young, I do not understand why my parents restricted everything that both me and my sister from doing anything dangerous or seems dangerous to them. Both of us was being pampered by my parents and whatever we would love or want to do they will always be there with us. I hated it most of the time as I find that, I do not have any freedom by doing what I want alone and parents will always be there. Despite all that, even until today I still do not fully understand my parents especially my mum. She is a very kind person and often offer helps to friends and relatives around her, and when comes to me she is very strict and believe or not being an adult - married with 2 kids she stills plays an important role in my life - controlling and nagging me all the time. My perception towards my mum is - why is she always treats me like this where as towards my sister she doesn't nag at all. Is is because I'm living in the same house with her gave her the opportunity to do so? Or because she loves me that's why she wants to be in control of my life? Questions will keep popping up none stop where I will still wonder and wonder none stop... But today everything changed! Mum and I had a very long conversation in the car while I was driving her to work. I knew mum was very unhappy for the past weeks that I started my investigation towards her wanting to find out what had happened. She poured out all her sorrowness in her telling me that how helpful she was to her relatives ended up that did not appreciate her instead they ignore her totally. This has been carrying on for almost 6 years and she just put it in her heart without telling anyone how hurt she was. Like I said I know my mum well enough and understand that she is a helpful person. But how much can a person help? Yes MUM! I know that this question refers to me as well... Mum has been telling my sis that she worry about me the most. As she often says that how much can she help me as one day she will begone.. but mum... I know from the word you expressed out is hurtful but deep down you wanted me to be strong to stand on my two feet. I know that you do not like my attitude by relying too much on a person. But do you also know that until today I was really hurt for what has happened througout those years? I always wanted to be strong and I always wanted to help you up on your work but.. I'm not a robot and I still need to caters my needs for the company that I'm committed too.. I know what you expect from me mummy.. I will try my best and not to disappoint you!! This is my promise to you mum.. I love you....!

Bad Luck!!

This week seems like a bad luck to me.. Monday.. supposingly have a few candidates to turn up to office for interview.. ended up most of the candidates postpone the interview and ended up only 2 attended. After that I received a phone call from my hubby saying that the management for our housing area has requested a bond if we are conducting Renovation. I've called up the person in-charge and argued with them. Gosh.. why people can be like that where the responsibilities was not taken and force us to take action to solve the problem? Then on Tuesday, my boss was supposed to talked to me regarding my promotion and increment.. worst was I got scolded just because I proceed to inform my admin to purchase another chair which only cost RM172.00. Hello.. a chair is meant to be used for new comers and it will last for at least 2 to 3 years. Apart from that, he prolonged and refused to talked to me about the increment and inform that he will speak to me on Wednesday. So on Wednesday.. I had some candidates that supposed to come in for an interview. Because of dad's car which overheated for no reason. I was stuck at USJ 1 and was forced to postpone all my interviews to Thursday and Friday. Thank God that my hubby managed to come in time to exchange the car with me and I only managed to reach office at 1030am. Then mum started calling, asking me for a favour to drive down to Damansara Utama to picked up some documents for her client, which I did after that I just left and picked Isaac up and went straight home. I was so exhausted by then and managed to take my dinner at only 8pm. Today, 22nd July 2010 (Thursday) it was another bad luck day for me.. As I was driving mum and Isaac to Subang Jaya, my Kia Rio turns to start overheating and forced me to stop at Sunway. Was so concerned about my candidated being postpone I called my hubby again for him to rescue me. Everything was fine and I was lucky enough to stop by the housing area and managed to get some water to cool and fill up the car. We were stucked there for close to 20 minutes, and I managed to drop Isaac at Auntie Jenny's place. While I was on the way to mum's office to drop her off, my car was started giving me problem and I was forced to stop in front of those shop houses at SS18 Subang Jaya. When hubby reached, I finally exchange car with him again and rush to send mum to office. By the way I was on my way to the office, hubby called and informed that the car was fine when he took over and did not overheat at all... Gosh.. what a bad day where 2 cars died on me just the different of 1 day. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and finger cross no more unpredict accidents or situations going to occur on me again!!

Miserable

Its been a long time since I've logged in to update this blog.. I was questioning myself again..!!

Was having insomnia throughout the entire week and question keep popping out from my mind... why ? why what? I myself can't even answer.. things and situation has made me into this zombie mode.!!

My past have been like a constant flash back these days. I've been having images of my past and thinking what I should focus for my present and start plan for my future. But what is my present? Career? Family?

Seems like everything is a need for me to stay focus on. Career is important for me as this is where it provides me income in order to provide for my 2 boys. Apart from that being in the Advertising industries really gives me less opportunity to spend time with my boys needless to say about my parents nor family.

I'm trying very hard to balance my working life and my personal life. But the pressure given is really hard to absorb. My role in the company becomes important recently as I was promoted to a management post, which means I've to bear more responsibilities in problems solving.

Boss is not supportive at all, everything he wants to be in control. Then what should I really do?

How I wish I could just switch myself off and just sit back relax and spend time with my family. I think this will make me feel more happy...

Happenings around us!

Today I took sometime to browse thru some of my friends blog, photo albums and their status updates makes me realised that there's so many things have been happening around me without much notice. I started questioned myself that why majority of us are fallen into the trap "marriage"? Most of my friends were seen happily married, but close to half of the number of couple was never been seen like what we always expected in fairy tales - living happily ever after! Instead they ended up seperated going or heading to their own lives. The worst is those involved already have kids. Arguments always been heard! Men will always point out that the fault is always their wives, as for women we will often blame in on our husbands. Where are those sweet memories during our courting days goes?? Life always changes as we aged. We either become wiser or else we would start pushing the blame to others. Marriage suppose to be seen as a couple starting their own family and living in peace and harmony. Does anyone on earth knows the meaning of FAMILY? F - Father A - And M - Mother I - I L - Love Y - You If a broken marriage occurs where there's kid involve, family means nothing to them already. For me, it took me years to take the courage in making decision to part with my ex-hubby. Kids always comes first, I would always consider them as my priority in making any decision. But chances was given out too many times, and yet he did not appreciate. I gone thru everything all by myself. Pregnancy, labour.. you named it... I was all alone.. Even on my confinement I had to look after my 2 boys and cooked for myself.. I started questioning.. do I need him? When I do.. where is he? When I'm sad.. where is he? When I'm sick.. where is he?? This is how I learn to become independent and take care of my kids myself.. friends will normally look at you pitifully... but they won't know how much you've gone thru! Its really tough these days.. but whatever had happened is already past... we need to learn to stand firm and plan for our future.. nothing can stop us!! Friends.. do make a wiser choice and think think twice before commiting into marriage. Its not a game.. its for a life time...

Siblings

Siblings - relates to blood relation either brothers or sisters. I've an elder sister who marries to Australia 10 years ago and now living with her husband and have 3 beautiful kids - 1 girl and 2 boys. Living and getting along with her is never a problem to me at all. But living with my brother in law is a big headache. I could recalled 8 years back when I went over to pursue my studies, my sister and I got along pretty well but as time goes by I could no longer tolerate my brother in law which takes every cent and being so calculative with me until I moved out to live by myself. That particular time my brother in law is only working as a part time chef in some chinese restaurant so every cent to him is important - I will be thinking that if you can't afford then don't ask my sister to bear so many kids. 5 years ago when my brother in law started up his own business - noodle factory. Money was good and I was being naive thinking that he had changed finally. As they managed to moved to a bigger house and nicer enviroment. I was there staying with my sister then, as I was pregnant with my 1st baby. Don't get me wrong, I do not live with them free. No doubt money was tight for me at that time of point I helped out in doing daily house chores in order to make him feel that I do contribute to the family. I was not being appreciated instead I was used by my brother in law like a maid. Heavily pregnant I still need to wash toilets, vacumm the entire house, moping, dish washing, clothes washing, drying them, folding the clothes and even put in back into their wardrobe. My brother in law did not see anything that I did for the house instead he complained to my mum who later came to visit us after I delivered my baby boy, saying that I do nothing at home instead just watching television, eat and sleep. I felt so terribly angry with what he had said. Well as family I do not intend to create anymore problems. I kept my mouth shut and in few months time I flew back to Malaysia together with Ethan. 3 years down the road, I was pregnant again and this time I went over to stay with them. As usual my duties are like a maid. I do not complain as I know am living under the same roof and I need a place to stay. Well... at least this time I kept myself and Ethan locked inside my own room basically the entire 8 months. Weird right? Today in 2010 my eldest boy was granted a place in school and my parents discussed this matter with my brother in law and he did agreed and at the same time he also disagree. This is what I hated most, where is my sister who normally stands for me and my kids? My sis has changed tremendously having her own family problems with her hubby even make this entire situation worst. My dad who stayed back with sister to take care of my boy. The worst was I even found out that my sister is siding her children and accusing my baby boy for doing things which he did not even do. Apart from that my dad was not given a proper place to sleep and a proper meal to eat. Can you believe that everyday he will either eat instant noodle or left over fried rice together with my boy? Is this what you call a daughter duties to take care of your parents? Sister even asked my dad to help her sending kids to school and extra activities..!! Hello.. !! My dad is already 66 this year, how long more must he do? Aren't he supposed to be retiring and enjoying his time with his grandchildren instead of working like a chaffeur?

Life.. ooo Life!!

What is life? Anyone can briefly give me and introduction or the definition for life? Sometimes me myself don't know what I want in life. I have to beautiful sons and a wonderful partner.. or not so wonderful partner? I myself don't even know?!! How would you classify a partner to be wonderful or not? He is a good helper at home, helping me up with the boys, changing their diapers, giving them shower, occasionally will buy them presents to make their day.. but this all only involves with the boys!! How about me or should I say what about me being in his life?? I'm seen nowhere at all!!! I'm grateful to have him to take care of the boys for me but how can I ever be neglected to be part of his life? To me I always puts the boys and him first in position. I'll always call him to make sure he is safe and take his meals, I'll also take the opportunity to give him surprises and I will always be the one who suggest a holiday destination either for just both of us or with our boys...!! I can't believe that I'm not playing anything important role in his life at all. What got me frustrated was he supposed to buy dinner home tonight.. and ended up I found him hanging out with his friends playing Mahjong instead of thinking of me having nothing to eat where I still need to mend for my boy. What on earth is this? I frequently questioned myself... am I asking too much from him? Being too demanding? It all happened just a sudden where last time he will normally spend his precious time with me - joking telling me all the happening during the day.. But now... it all seems to lie back just watching on TV and after that he will just either concentrate on the PC surfing the internet. If not he will just head off to bed...!! I don't want this kinda life, its sounds so boring and nothing more interesting could be happening. Is this supposed to be a married couple life without anymore entertainment, movies, candlelight dinner or surprises?? I'm just so pissed off and I am actually looking for an answer. Well to me if I ever ended up in a relationship I will always try to put them before me and give them the best I could. If you really love a person don't you feel like spending every moment, minute or second with him or her? At least a call will keep me satisfy. But instead of that, he totally forgotten about my presence in his world. Gosh..!! How could all this be happening?? I'm just so tired and frustrated at this moment where I suppose to be happily and eagerly waiting for him to return home to spend time with me and my boys..but instead am sitting alone in front of my computer putting in my feelings and cried deep inside myself

Jan'10 Australia

Its been so long ever since I've gone for a holiday. Managed to plan a 2 weeks trip in January to Australia. The entire holiday was fun. I've got to see my sister and her family. Even better that I finally got to spend my time with my precious lil' boy - Ethan (I've not seen him for close to 3 months), we had a great time together with my second boy Isaac. Being a mum is really not an easy task. At least I've the chance to be with them in seeing them growing up. Time really flies, phew..!! Ethan is already 4+ this year and will turn 5 in December '10. Never imagine that, now me being in Australia and my only intention apart for going for a short vacation is to personally experience in bring my lil' boy to Kindy @ Good Shepherd Catholic Primary. It was fun, seeing my boy enjoyed himself in school. The best part was, after every school section, he will tell me how he had enjoyed and spent his time at school doing activities that was organized by his respective class teacher. I think school is really fun, especially I think Ethan is very lucky to have a chance to study in Australia. Where they get to experience everything and learn thru the experiences. He would brag what he had learnt in school and going to the playground in school is one of activities he enjoyed most. No doubt on the first day of school he did shed a tear but thank God he recovered quickly and get adapted to school life pretty soon. According to his class teachers he did a really good job by participating in every task that was instructed during the school hours. I'm so proud of my lil' boy. But time really passed quickly during vacations. My 2 weeks vacation soon to end I was so desprate and unwilling to leave as my lil baby cried and beg mummy to stay back with him in Australia so that I can accompany him and send him to school personally. Lots of my friends hated the idea of me sending Ethan to school in Australia. But being a mum, this is not an easy task or situation to face with. Imagine my baby boy has grown up so quickly and never before left me for such a long time. And I have to suffer by being living seperately with him totally in 2 different country. The only way for us to keep in touch and communicate is only via phone and Skype. On my last day before departing Australia back to Malaysia, Ethan did not sleep well that night as he woke up couple of time talking to me sleepily to tell me how he miss mummy and wanted mummy to stay with him. What I could do was to comfort him and tell him that mummy is going back to Malaysia to work and earn more money for our better future. I was being so naive thinking that Ethan will understand, instead he told me "mummy can you go back to Malaysia and quit working? If mummy can't do so I want to go back to Malaysia to be with mummy". After listening to all this, I was still not convince as I was unable to convince my lil boy to be more independent to live in Australia to finish his kindy at least. I used my another method that I thought it will usually work on him, I told him that "mummy needs to find more money to buy you your favourite toys - Thomas and Friends, so mummy really needs to go back and work. Once mummy get enough money, mummy will return to be with you". Instead of being able to calm him down, he cried and told me "mummy Ethan don't want any Thomas and Friends, Ethan only wants to be with mummy, please bring me home with you". I assume if every mummy listen to this they will feel the way I felt. Its so sweet hearing those words from him but I had no choice to go according to what he had said and agreed that to be with him. After listening what I told him, he was satisfy and went to bed but yet he was still uncertain and cried holding me closely and not wanting to let me go. The day had arrived (7th February) my flight back to Malaysia is at 0630. I woke up at 0330 to get myself prepared, looking at Ethan I was so sad and really thought of giving up my plane ticket as well as my job in Malaysia to stay with Ethan. But I know I can't! Instead after getting myself ready, I ready Isaac as well by changing him. Sis sent us to the airport, upon checked in, I received a call from daddy saying that Ethan woke up and cried looking high and low the entire house looking for mummy and his lil brother Isaac. I was so depressed and I know I can't let Ethan down. So my plan is to move back to Australia. When? Soon I reckon, as I still need to settle off my stuff in Malaysia. Ethan... mummy won't be long, mummy will return to Australia together with daddy and lil' Isaac to be with you. Mummy loves you darling Ethan!! Daddy and Isaac loves you too...!! Its only been 4 days since I'm back to Malaysia, and I'm already starting to miss my lil boy. Today on the 10th February, Ethan spoke to me over the phone before he headed off to school. Before he put the phone down he did gave me a flying kiss and saying I love you mummy...!! My precious lil boy... mummy loves you too...!! Take really good care of yourself and mum will be back!

Summary of 2009

2009 is a not a bad year indeed. I've live my life fullest this entire year. I've took the courage to meet up with me ex-hubby to discuss about our divorce matters - finally settled. I've made the decision to send my eldest baby Ethan to Australia to start his new schooling life - which is one hard decision to be made in the first place. And knowing me myself that Ethan never been alone without me and this took me months to decide and finally the decision has been made and until now I've not seen Ethan (apart from talking with him over the internet through SKYPE) I really miss my baby soooo sooo much. But God is fair that Isaac was with me throughout this period of time. Who's Isaac? Oh.. he is my youngest baby, in short my baby boy which is only 15 months old now. He is there to cheer me up while his brother is abroad to start his school in Kindy. An old friend who asked me to joined his company earlier this year had betrayed me and he even acted like an idiot or bastard for not paying me my pay. Oohh...! This is what life, another bad times in 2009 but anyway past is past and I just will walk on my journey and make sure I do not meet this kinda idiot anymore. A new guy walked in to my life and puts me forever first when comes to everything. He helped me out in lots of ways, giving me what I always wanted from a husband. In short he is a 100% good man that I will not let him go. As I know with my situation I would not be as lucky again to find someone like him to walk our journey together. 2009 is another year that also gives me lots of happy memories - went to Thailand twice for holiday. Once with my love back in August, second time was in November with mum, Isaac and Liang. We also went to Penang, Genting Highlands, Johore, Malacca and lots more places for visiting and on short vacation trip. Weddings dinner was also another activities that happens in year 2009 with majority of my friends were all getting married - Elaine, Karen, Kalkal, Benjamin Tee, Shino, Darren, Pau Lynn and lots more (forgive me as I can't recall that much). On the 18th December, my company also organizes a trip up to Cameron Highlands. Its part of leisure and part of work. Attended clients Christmas Party at Cameron. But overall it was fun. Towards the end of the year.. I joined an ex company. Handling complication accounts which you know on earth we always have clients that will never satisfy. But all my colleagues in this company is fun and I get to blend in them very quickly. We had Christmas Eve Celebration at TGIF then straight to Karaoke Section. And on New Year's Eve we had another company celebration at The Curve Red Box Karaoke. Well.. look at my entire year.. its not that bad anyway. I just pray hard and hope that we will be in peace and continue our journey till the end of our life. Good bye 2009 and lets welcome 2010... Happy New Year everyone...